A few weeks ago God gave me a bit of a revelation about a skill I had developed as a child, and how it pertained to my life today. So interesting. Growing up in trauma, a child often develops survival skills, unbeknownst to them. Whether it is an ability to respond to stressful or dramatic situations with a calm that most others don't possess, or the ability to sense a dangerous situation and make for an exit! I would without hesitation be able to list a few of these skills that I recognize in myself, but one was a bit of a surprise.
When I was a little girl, my home life was very volatile. Filled with rage, violence, and escaping. A skill I developed (and had entirely forgotten about until recently) was the ability to put an invisible wall between myself and the horror going on around me at any given time, even if I was the direct recipient. I was able to sit in a room of rage and violence, being able to see and hear everything, but some little thing in my brain made it seem as though it wasn't being directed at me. Hear it, yes, see it, yes...react to it, no, respond to it, no. I developed over time a fantastic ability to not react (in hindsight realizing not reacting to an abuser actually adds more fuel to the fire!!)
Fast forward a few decades, and I found myself in a stressful season of marriage. We all have them, they vary in degree, this one for me was the worst of my 22 married years. Not only because of the situation, but at the same time going through my own period of stretching and growing, and just becoming who God has made me. Throw in some teenage daughter drama, and a fairly serious health scare and you have a very fragile woman in front of you!
In the midst of this, one night I caught myself using that old survival skill from years ago! I hadn't even remembered I had it until then! Things between my husband and I were very painful at that point, to the point of my daily begging God to remind me of His plan for us just so I could hang on until the next day. I began to prophecy over my marriage to strengthen myself to get through. I hadn't been hurt by someone to that degree since my childhood. Cue survival skill. One night going to bed I heard my husband say "Goodnight". I didn't move, or say goodnight back. Just continued on my way to blissful sleep. A minute later "Goodnight??". I recognized it as a question and realized that he had actually been speaking to me, and that I was supposed to respond! So I quickly did, and went on with sleep. As the months went on I realized this was happening quite often. I would hear him speak, I would see him speaking, but I didn't make the connection that he was speaking to me and I was expected to respond. Because of the pain involved, or the expected pain, I had shut off my ability to respond or react to him. Hmm. At that point I began forcing myself to answer, even if it meant a long pause while I let it sink in that he was directing his words at me.
A few months later, during worship God reminded me of all of this. How this survival skill had snuck in without my even being aware. Then He asked the question "Do you think this happens with us?". Gulp. I hadn't thought about it until then, but the probability was high. Things with God are sometimes painful and deep. Recent church experiences had been incredibly painful, and took years of recovering from. Could it be that God has been speaking to me, and I can hear Him clearly, but am just not making the connection that He is speaking to me and He's waiting for a response? Sigh. Yes. It most certainly could be. At that point God showed me a picture of Him lifting a glass cloche off of me. It was useful and helpful at one time in my life, but now it's time for it to go. Time for me to not only see and hear, but to be free to respond and react.
During worship yesterday God brought this to mind again. It related to what I had been thinking of to that point. Boxes. I had been thinking about all the boxes I would never fit in, and what to do about it. You know all the boxes. The ones the people around you may have, expecting you to conveniently fit in. I was worrying about how to be myself, and still fit into that box I know my husband has of what his perfect wife is. Let's just say I wasn't able to find a way (during worship no less) to contort myself into that box. Imaginary as it is. Then I went on to my in laws box. Blew that one all to heck years ago, no hope of repair. My parents box, I'm content to slide that one off into the corner and ignore it, the church's box...it's easy to quickly fret about that one, but if I give myself time to breathe I realize there is no expected box at the church I go to now. I'm okay to be me, with a few gentle reminders to keep on growing. Next...God's box. Good thing our worship time is long at church, because it takes awhile to sort all of this stuff out! How was I going to fit in God's box!! It seemed so unlikely that I could. God in Hs kindness didn't let me go down that road for long before He showed me a picture. It was of me, frantically pulling different size boxes over my head, covering myself. Trying to find one that hid me away. He just lifted the boxes off and grinned. He doesn't want me in a box. He wants all of me, right there in front of Him. He wants to see me, but He also gives me freedom. The freedom to be wholly myself, the freedom to react and respond, the freedom to not worry about being confined by other people's boxes. I am redeemed. No box needed.
What has God been saying to you during worship lately? Are you reacting and responding in the freedom He gives? Amazing really, isn't it?
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